What to say when you can’t find the words
Some nights you know you need help and you have nothing left to explain yourself with. Copy a line below, change anything that doesn’t sound like you, and send it. You don’t owe anyone the whole story to ask for an hour of sleep.
To your partner
Short works better than perfect. Say it about you, and ask for one thing.
“I'm running on empty and I don't want to take it out on you. Can we figure out a way for me to get one real stretch of sleep this week?”
“I love you and I'm struggling right now. It isn't about you or the baby. I think I need to talk to someone.”
“Can we take ten minutes tonight and sort out who's on which half of the night? I think we're both running on fumes.”
Then fill in the plan further down this page together.
To a friend or your family
People want to help and have no idea what to offer. Name the thing and put a day on it. A specific ask gets a yes far more often than “let me know if you need anything”.
“We're in the thick of it with the baby and running on no sleep. Any chance you could take him for an hour on Saturday so I can sleep?”
“Could you drop off dinner one night this week? Anything at all. It would help more than you know.”
To your boss
You don’t have to say anything about your mental health to ask for this.
“With the newborn at home the nights have been rough. Could we look at a later start time, or a day working from home, for the next few weeks?”
“I need to take care of something personal on Thursday morning. Can I start at 11 and make up the hours?”
You do not have to tell your employer what the appointment is for.
To your doctor
You don’t need the word depression, and you don’t need to have it figured out. More on talking to your doctor.
“Since the baby was born I haven't been feeling like myself. Can we talk about it?”
“I've been on edge, and I'm sleeping badly even when the baby sleeps. I'd like to get checked out.”
On edge is enough to say. In fathers this often shows up as a short fuse or feeling numb rather than sadness, and your doctor will know what to ask.
If you can’t say it out loud at all
Text instead. Text 988 any time, for anyone struggling, not only people thinking about suicide. Or text the word Help to the Postpartum Support International HelpLine at 1-800-944-4773, where a trained volunteer replies every day between 8am and 11pm ET with support and referrals. It is not a crisis line, so if tonight is bad, use 988.
Who takes the night
Most of what gets said at 3am is really about sleep. Splitting the next two nights so you each get one solid block is the single thing that changes the most, and it has its own page now, with a ready-made schedule and a blank one you can fill in together.
Common questions
How do I tell my wife I'm struggling after the baby?
Keep it short and make it about you, not about her. Something like: I'm running on empty and I don't want to take it out on you, I think I need to talk to someone. You don't have to explain everything in one go.
How do I ask for help without making it a big deal?
Ask for one specific thing with a time on it. An hour of sleep on Saturday, or dinner dropped off on Tuesday. People say yes to specific asks far more often than to “let me know if you need anything”.
What do I say to my boss about a new baby and no sleep?
You don't have to mention your mental health. Say the nights are rough with the newborn and ask about a later start time or a work-from-home day for a few weeks.