After a Scary Birth or NICU Stay: For Dads

After a scary birth or a NICU stay: dads carry it too

Maybe you watched an emergency happen in the delivery room. Maybe your baby went straight to the NICU and you spent days going back and forth between hospital rooms. Dads often have to be the steady one, and the fear gets pushed down. It's normal for it to catch up with you later. You're not alone in this, and it does get easier.

Rough night? Call or text 988, or 1-833-852-6262 (24/7, dads too).

What's normal afterward

After a frightening experience, it's common to replay it in your head, feel jumpy, have trouble sleeping, or feel numb for a while. For many dads this eases over a few weeks as things settle at home.

Signs it's sticking around

Flashbacks or nightmares about the birth or hospital
Avoiding the hospital, the route there, or talking about it
Feeling constantly on edge or easily startled
Feeling numb or cut off from your family
Worry about the baby that won't let up
Anger or guilt that you couldn't fix it

If these last more than a month, or get in the way of daily life, they can be signs of trauma or post-traumatic stress, which dads can have after a birth too. Postpartum Support International lists post-traumatic stress among the anxiety disorders 5 to 15 percent of dads develop around a birth. It's very treatable.

If your baby is in the NICU now

Ask for the unit's social worker. Many NICUs have one, and they help families, including dads, with stress, practical problems and support.
Ask the nurses to show you how to help. Diaper changes, holding, skin to skin when allowed. Being hands-on helps you bond.
Take shifts and go home to sleep. You can't run on empty for weeks.
Write questions down for rounds, so you don't lose them.
Let people help with meals, rides, and errands.

Getting support

A therapist who works with new parents and birth trauma can help. The PSI directory lists them, and the PSI HelpLine at 1-800-944-4773 offers support and referrals. Here's how to talk to your doctor. Talking with other fathers helps too: PSI's free dads' groups meet online.

Common questions

Can dads have trauma after a difficult birth?

Yes. Fathers who witness a frightening birth or go through a NICU stay can have lasting stress or post-traumatic symptoms. It is common and treatable.

What are signs of birth trauma in fathers?

Flashbacks, nightmares, avoiding reminders, feeling on edge, numbness, or constant worry about the baby that lasts more than a month.

How can dads cope with a NICU stay?

Ask for the NICU social worker, get hands-on with care when allowed, take shifts so you can sleep, and accept help from others.